What’s one thing you know now that would have saved your younger self a lot of pain?

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An easy question for a guy with a non-functioning arm. How do you turn any two-handed task into a one-handed task?

So it’s your lucky day. I’ll give you four or five for the price of one!

When you brush your teeth, how do you squeeze the toothpaste onto the brush head?

You don’t. You squeeze the toothpaste directly into your mouth, before you even pick up the toothbrush.

How do you fasten a zip?

Zips are actually bastards. A few years ago, I bought one of those hi-tec puffer jackets made by Arc’teryx. A top brand, and supposedly good for Arctic conditions. And I paid accordingly. Three hundred pounds for a bloody jacket – I never thought I’d see the day!

But because they used a crappy zip, the garment was useless until I solved that problem. If you manage to find the coat on their site, mine was the zero-star review!

There are a variety of gadgets you can buy, but my personal experience is that every one is useless. A waste of money.

The “gadget” that finally worked for me was a humble bootlace. Can’t be a shoelace – they’re not long enough. You thread the bootlace through the zip, then tie the two ends of the lace together. That’s then permanent.

Grip the lace with your teeth. If you think of the distance between your teeth and the bottom of your coat, this is why I say bootlace, not shoelace.

Then, at the bottom of the coat, you fit the two parts of the zip together. The male and female parts, if you like. Don’t apply pressure yet. You probably won’t be able to use one hand to (a) hold the two parts of the zip in place, and (b) generate the strength required to pull the zip up at the same time anyway.

Then you try not to move. Because you have to then remove your hand from the zip, and you don’t want the male part to slip out of the female part, because you’ll have to start over.

With your now-free hand, you grasp the bottom of your coat so that your hand opposes your mouth.

You then apply pressure with your teeth to begin pulling the zip up. Job done!

So essentially, you’re using your teeth as a second hand. This, in general, is a good ploy but not always practical. Which brings me to…

How do you feed the cat?

Well, if you’re trying to feed from a tin, forget it.

But it is possible to buy pouches. They’re invariably more expensive than tins, but that’s just one of the perks of being disabled.

And then it’s your teeth again. Gripping the sachet itself with the good hand, you pull the top part open with your teeth.

All I can say is that cat food tastes very meaty! Did you ever try the Atkins diet? Then smell your breath? That’s a close approximation.

How do you open a bottle of bleach?

Because they have those childproof caps, right? Which means you need two hands?

Well, unfortunately, that’s teeth again.

So don’t I worry about swallowing bleach? Of course I do. I just have to be careful, that’s all. Ultimately, the bleach companies have made the decision that keeping children out is more important than allowing disabled people into the bottle. I suppose children look better in the ads.

Same goes for things like button batteries, and these days, laundry detergent. Any packaging designed to keep children out is also designed to keep one-handed people out. That’s why, in my house, once some bleach is opened, the lid is instantly thrown away. The bottle remains open until it’s empty. So if you come round to visit, you’d probably best leave the grandies at home!

You must be fed up of my whining now, surely? Okay, just one more, I promise.

How do you tie your shoelaces?

Well, quite simply, I can’t.

So I’m largely restricted to slip-on shoes, plus some manufacturers are quite ingenious with fastenings these days, for example I have ankle trainers which fasten and unfasten using zips.

But look at a shoe manufacturer’s catalogue, and 90% of men’s shoes are lace-ups.

At a push, I can buy lace-up shoes and just replace the laces with something I can manage. For example, there is a product out there called Hickies (shown). I like them and they’re quite stylish. They are PVC strips which are specifically designed to replace shoelaces. The only downside is the cost. I generally budget that they add maybe 20% onto the cost of the shoe. Another of my perks.

Bet they weren’t expecting that answer!