Crossed Wires

My friend sent me this:

An operator at an Emergency Call Centre has been fired, much to the annoyance of colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy at the dismissal.

A caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone, stating: “I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I’m waiting for a train to come so I can finally meet my maker.”

Apparently, “Remain calm and stay on the line” was not considered to be the appropriate response.

My friend Just Shared This

The Award for Really Superlative Efforts

Reading responses to Fandango’s Provocative Question yesterday, it has become apparent that several bloggers do indeed enjoy awards.

Therefore I have decided to inaugurate a new award of my own. I am going to call it Mister Bump’s Award for Really Superlative Efforts. Because it’s not where you end up that counts, it’s the effort you put in to get there.

I do, however, realise that this is something of a mouthful, so I will probably refer to it by its acronym instead, ARSE.

While I will, of course, be on the lookout for outstanding blogs, you should be aware that I will not give up my ARSE lightly.

So watch out, dear reader, here I come! And, by the way, if you think your blog comes up to scratch (my ARSE), and you would like a piece of my ARSE, please leave a comment below. Your blog will be entered into a draw and at 5PM on 31st December, 2020, all entries will be thrown away.

Just Say No

The Detectives was a comedy show which aired in the UK betweem 1993-7. I loved it.

Just a Minute

As soon as I heard the word today, I thought of “without hesitation, repetition, deviation” – the three cornerstones of an institutional UK comedy radio quiz called “Just a Minute”.

The plan was that one of the celebrity contestants had to speak for a minute on a particular subject (given to them by the host). It was very near impossible to speak for a whole minute (my mother could have done it 😉), although the attempts made for a hilarious show.

The BBC now has several radio stations, one of which is a talk station called Radio Four. This is the original format, reminiscent of a hundred years ago, and it is probably the most highbrow station in the UK today, but each weekday evening, from 6:30PM – 7PM, they have a Comedy Half Hour. Just a Minute fitted into this slot, once a week. I don’t know whether it still does – its longtime presenter, a guy called Nicholas Parsons (a legend in the UK) died earlier this year, aged 96.

There are many clips of this show on YouTube, but most of them are full, half-hour shows. But I found this short clip (under a minute), just to give a taster. We’ve all heard of Graham Norton, right?

for Fandango’s One Word Challenge (FOWC), deviate.

Competition

Daughter’s cat is still prone to being bad-tempered at times, although she is much improved from her original state of just being pissed all the time.

But while my wife was in the toilet, she was uppity again this morning, after she (cat) had wandered inon her (wife). With my best poetic hat on, I said:

Did she start hissing,
while you were pissing?

My wife was using the toilet just prior to driving over to see her mother. Not to be outdone, she replied:

I’d better get going,
Before it starts snowing.

It’s not gonna snow today, but, you know… license. And then, amazed at her own poetic ability, she added:

See? I can do it too,
But not as well as you.

Courtesy of Google Assistant…

Q. What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A. One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

A Brief Interlude

I almost posted this guy the other day when the word of the day was lampoon. I loved this clip because Shirley Bassey just gives up trying to keep a straight face.

This is Freddie Starr – I don’t know if he ever went international so I’ll give a little backstory. In the early 1960s he was the (straight) lead singer of a Merseybeat group The Midnighters. Out of te same stable as the Beatles, The Midnighters toured the same Hamburg clubs and released three singles, but none of them charted.

By the late 1960s, Starr had reinvented himself as a comedy singer, and in my youth (80s) he appeared regularly of TV variety shows. One of his specialities was Adolf Hitler in Wellies. He only died a year ago. That he could get Shirley Bassey to make a fool of herself with him shows how highly he was regarded. Lastly, what a voice she has.

And here he is what happened when he met Muhammad Ali: