Mister Bump UK

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Hi all,

I just wanted to give you a brief update.

First, the bad. In mid-November, my wife left me. I thought about saying we’d separated, but that would imply that it was mutual. We’d been married for 23 years, and each of us had developed our own life. Where we differed was that I was quite happy to live it, to do the nonsense that I do, then to come back home and share our nest together. When you’re young and in love, you expect the sparks, but together so long, I think it’s all about being able to rub along with someone. To spend time together without the desire to strangle them. Not always, anyway. So I was happy with that.

She obviously wasn’t.

I don’t much miss her. We did/do have separate interests. That was deliberate on my part. After my stroke, I encouraged her to develop hobbies apart from me. At the time, it wasn’t clear how disabled I’d end up and I didn’t want her life to revolve around me. As it happens, I became nowhere near as dependent as I’d first feared. I was reliant on her driving to go shopping, and it represented a massive strain financially when she left. I had gone from being a high earner ten years ago, to downsizing voluntarily, to being forced to downsize further following my stroke, when it looked like I’d have to live on disability benefit for the rest of my life. At that point, my wife started contributing to the cost, but when she left, that stopped, so the last few months have been a struggle.

But there is good, too. Last week I got a new job. It’s quite lowly compared to where I used to be, but it is in software development, at least, and it’ll allow me to bring my resume up to scratch.

It also brings in an income, which is a massive enabler. It means I can go to the supermarket and afford healthy food again, to not have to buy UHT milk because it’ll be so long between visits. It means I can turn the central heating on rather than sitting in my coat because I’m worried about what the bill will be. That I can go ahead and buy the adapted car which makes me mobile again, which I’d been afraid to buy because it was such a large investment. It also means I can get some work done on the house. Straight away, I need a plumber, an electrician and a roofer, before I even start thinking about the carpenter down the line. All these tradesmen, because remember, I can’t do any of this myself. Very annoying when all it is is a washer in the tap!

And it’ll enable filing for divorce. I’ve always believed that life only moves in one direction, and from the moment she left, there was only really one way out of this for me.

So the job’ll take away a shitload of anxiety.

Oh, and in the title, I mentioned “ugly”. Would you be surprised to learn that, aged fifty-five, when she left I went onto a dating app? Now, I’m not looking for a date particularly – relationships are hard work and certainly at the moment I’m not interested in making that investment. But the site also has chatrooms, and if I find people of a certain age it tends to be more relaxed, so I go there and get some human company of an evening. No, it’s not the same but it’s better than nothing.

Anyway, my profile picture: ugggh!

Published by Mister Bump UK

Separated with a grown/flown daughter. In life, I designed IT systems, taking a career break as a bicycle mechanic, until interrupted by a stroke in 2016, aged 48. On my way back into full-time work, I developed health-related apps and performed voluntary work. I enjoy composing limericks and flash fiction in my spare time.

40 comments

  2. I’m sorry Pete that you had to go through all that without support. But if a marriage isn’t working, letting it go seems the sensible option. Great news about the new job and the company you find at the chat rooms. All the best my friend.

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  4. Congratulations on the new job. Seems that your life is taking an upward trajectory and that’s a good thing. Enjoy whatever companionship you find on that dating site. Given the writing skills you’ve demonstrated on your blog, I’m sure you’ll be a chat room master and gain plenty of new admirers.

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  5. We’ve been working on this new project of ours, Pete, and it’s been my absolute joy being with you through the shits and the giggles. You’re tops on my list and I love seeing your face. This was a major “bump” in the road; I think you handled the landing quite well. 💫 ❣️

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  9. Well, shit. Sorry for all the added crap you’ve dealt with. Glad that you’ve made positive changes whether someone or something has helped along the way or not. You’re a young gent, time enough to overload the “good” side of the ledger going forward. Hope you latch onto an assisted vehicle soon. Those of us not challenged that way do not appreciate what it takes to overcome. Good fortune to you moving forward.

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  10. Though I’ve come to know you via your blog only a relatively short time ago, I feel for you, Pete. Sharing one’s personal trials and tribulations is not easy, and I applaud your courage and honesty in doing so. I wish you the best going forward and in the new job.

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    • It was harder before I resolved it. My first instinct, of course, was to just want to turn the clock back to before it happened, but once I realised I didn’t actually want to turn the clock back, I dealt with it better in my head. I resent that I sat here cold all winter and have been living on crap, though.

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    • I’ve found you meetsome assholes but also some good people. Same as real life. The advantage is, everyone on that site has some kind of interest in meeting people in some shape or form. Some of them are looking for a partner-for-life, which makes me wary, but I’m still happy to talk to them.

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      • I found that the assholes were easy to spot. I kept my search local, and as I said they were really encouraging about me getting into photography

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    • Thank you Tiff. It was a shock initially of course but it was a case of thinking things trhrough. What I needed to kickstart life (an income), where my wife was helpful, where she wasn’t etc. But once you get all that straight it’s just a case of carrying out a plan.
      The manner in which she left wasn’t pleasant, either, but that actually benefitted me by reducing sentiment.

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  14. I never know what to say in these situations. Sorry for you having to deal with all this, as it’s a big change. It’s good though that you are moving forward by the new job, and enjoying the chat room talks. Best wishes for lots of happy days as you go along. 🙂

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  15. That’s a huge shift and it sounds like you are handling it with your trademark humor and creative spirit. I look forward to seeing how this new chapter of your life effects your creative endeavors. I imagine dating apps will provide a lot of interesting stories!

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    • I’m doing well, thanks. I’m getting on well without her, even fearlessly browsing dating sites, but the main thing is the income has enabled an awful lot. I think we’d pretty much run our course anyhow.

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        • Thx. My head feels fine though and I’m cordial with my ex. Makes things easier as my long-term plan is divorce. The only difference between marriage and a LTR is that I think marriage is a promise that you’ll work at things before you fuck off. She particulasrly wqelched on that promise so I don’t want to be married to her. I’m happy that when we do need to discuss things, we’re able to be friendly about it.

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