I happened to find myself in an internet chat room last night.
The subject they were discussing was marriage. Whether it is worthwhile. It was entirely secular. Nobody was putting forward the argument “yes, because God says you have to”.
I saw that most of the room was beyond childbearing age. I suspect that made a difference. I suspect several people had been through the mill.
Most were broadly against. A couple of people admitted to having been burned, openly citing personal experience. While others did not feel so strongly, the general feeling seemed to be “not for me”.
One chap, openly admitting that he was a divorcee, trotted out the old cliche, “just a bit of paper”. “What difference does being married make?”
That, as a view, is fair enough, but this man had been both loud and opinionated during the debate.
So I bit.
“The difference between being married and unmarried is inheritance.” I qualified. “If something happens to you, then your wife will inherit, by default. Your girlfriend, even if she is your live-in lover and the bearer of your ten children, will not.”
Because that is pretty much the only difference, as I see it. In the UK, the media likes to point out that there is a difference in taxes, between married and unmarried, but when you look at the numbers, the difference is negligible.
Obviously, getting married to somebody is not the only way to ensure they inherit, but certainly one of them.
Loud guy scoffed. “I’d like to think, if I was getting married, that there would be more on my mind than inheritance.”
“Like what?”
“Like loving someone. Like wanting to spend the rest of my life with them.”
I turned the question on him. “So, are you saying these can only exist within a marriage?”
Cruel, I know. I could have been nicer, but this chap was a loudmouth. The conversation continued on predictable lines. Of course you don’t need marriage to have love, not even lifelong love. But I was suggesting how marriage does make things different.
Anyone have any views?
Mister Bump 
It all depends on the quality of the relationship.
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But when people first get married, they have to take a punt. They have no idea what the quality will be.
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Yes, a gamble that can lead anywhere.
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Today is seems like a lot of people get married for government benefits. Obviously, if you’re not married and you split up, the break will be less messy, provided there are no kids involved. Fifty-plus years ago when my mister and I got married, there was no question in our minds. We were in it for the long haul and we’ve been happily successful at it. Marriage works for us. If our kids had opted for living together, we would not have stopped them. We probably would have pointed out why we thought marriage was the way to go but ultimately, it was their choice and they chose marriage. It seems to be working out quite well for all of us. As for me and my hubs, we couldn’t see ourselves living any other way and a lot has to do with having made a formal commitment. We loved each other, sure, but we were not blinded by that love. We respected each other enough to commit to a relationship, we did not take that commitment lightly and never regretted our decision. If you have to ask yourself if marriage is for you, then it probably isn’t.
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I can’t help but think that when people say “til death do us part”, they often have no idea what they are committing to. Unable to think that far ahead, unwilling to think that far ahead, whatever…
You hear of people getting divorced after a few months togather and you just think “that’s not right”. It had to be avoidable.
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No, it’s not right. The vows should have been avoided. Too many people have no idea what’s involved in a marriage. We had our parents’ relationships as role models for what it’s like to commit and not just play house.
Do you agree we are sorely lacking good role models today?
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Possibly. But I remember seeing my parents fight like cat and dog, though they never divorced. I’m not sure that was a good role model either. I don’t know. It seems only to be a good role model if it was happy. Which is true for anything.
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Well, it would be very naive of us to think our parents didn’t fight. They resolved their arguments and no one walked out. Kids can’t see their parents only at their best; that just not realistic.
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true
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Okay. I am almost 21 now. I don’t know if I pass the threshold to comment on if marriages are good or bad.
But I think you have a good point. Especially in India where live-in relationships are rising but not openly supported. Love has no restrictions. It won’t drastically change once you marry. Marrying your lover ensures that you both are now recognized and safe from things which society “deems” unacceptable. I am not loving someone to marry. I will marry because I love.
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Marriage is partnership. If you’re lucky enough to find a partner that rows in time with you. Makes the distances you can go in this life longer, more pleasurable. Carries the burden of rowing when you are depleted. Inspires you to take new turns. Well, marriage can be all of that. I think if you’re not married, you’re probably not in the same boat in this analogy btw, but just rowing alongside each other keeping your separate vessels.
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I think you cvan have all that with or without marriage. Certainly we were happy just living together at first, although we were married quite shortly afterwards. It was easier with a baby on the way, but it was certainly an afterthought.
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Not sure you’re in the same boat, though, without the marriage. It’s like the whole two become one, age-old description.
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As of the end of December all three of my children are now married and a lot of thought went into the ultimate decisions! I can’t help thinking people do still want to get married, even after years have passed. some when they are ready to have children, but even if they have no intention of having children still want to make a commitment.
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Well it certainly avoids awkward questions when children are around.
There was an interesting legal situation there, too, discovered by an (unmarried) friend.
Though he lived happily with his partner, he was dependent on her “goodwill” of naming him on the birth certificates (which she needn’t have done). Otherwise, he had no legal rights over his own children.
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In Oz if you live together for 6 months you’re entitled to 50% of everything
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That seems sensible. Do people bother getting married? An actual ceremony?
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Not many
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I’m moving there 😁
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Two years, in Australia, for legal property. You can claim benefits if living together for six months, but not make a claim on an estate unless it’s two years of living together in a genuine domestic relationship.
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I was renting at the time, so didn’t realise that. Thanks for the clarification
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Two years is probably more reasonable. I’ve had twy-year relationships which… well I wouldn’t have wanted them to inherit after that short a time. Ten years is different.
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It’s too easy for people to dissolve a marriage – makes it as easy to leave as throwing a few hundred dollars at a lawyer.
A partnership in a marriage is honed by the difficulties, the responsibilities, the shared (and argued) direction.
Yes, married for a long time, but took my time getting to that decision. Accept that he’s a bit of a bear sometimes, but he’s my bear.
Marriage is much more than a bit of paper – it’s a promise of partnership, sharing, and learning how to get over yourself.
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I generally agree with you, but I do think you can have that without a formal marriage. Marriage changes the promise from informl to formal.
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It should make people think twice about making the commitment, and accepting that it’s not a quick-fix to a problem within the relationship, or a timeline expectation.
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