Mister Bump UK

The Caramel Crunch (14 March 2020)

Over at Caramel (Learner at Love), CARAMEL has started a new prompt. I’d like to see her prompt do well, and I had some time today to write a post, so here we go…

The prompts are called the Caramel Crunch and so far are centered around a moral question. For your convenience I shall repeat her question.

You have met someone you really like. There has been some innocent flirting between you and after exchanging phone numbers you have been in contact frequently and been out for a couple of dates. It is still early days though. Your life long best friend tells you that they have met someone and have fallen in love and it turns out to be that same person. Your best friend is a little shy, but they tell you they want to ask the person you have been flirting with out on a date. What do you do?

Okay, let’s take this bit by bit.

Two friends, going out casually with the same partner. I don’t necessarily see a problem there, don’t even think that the partner has an obligation to disclose, but the keyword is casual. I think there is a point at which the partner needs to make a choice – one, the other, or neither, but I certainly think that there is some period of time before that when seeing more than one person is acceptable.

So, you both find out you’ve been dating the same person.

Here’s what I’d like to say:

  • that your friend comes first, that your friend will be your friend long past a partner (mostly). So, the friendship is more important than any relationship.

Here’s what always happened to me (and to my friends):

  • you drop all your friends for the new partner. The reason they are friends is because they somehow accept this, and will be your friend again once the partner is an ex-partner. That is always how it worked out in the real world.

So what do you do in this specific scenario?

I think the question is loaded a bit. Your friend is shy. So perhaps they have more of a problem finding a partner? Also, they are your best friend – so shouldn’t you do everything for each other?

Well, certainly that last part cuts both ways. And as for the first part, if your friend ever found out you acted out of pity, I doubt they’d be your friend much longer.

So, what are the options?

  • You give up the partner so your friend has a clear run. Very possibly, a big loss on your part. I think we meet so few potential life partners that if we think we have found one, we should really follow it through. So, not ideal.
  • Or, your friend does the same. Ditto.
  • Or, maybe you both sit down with the partner? So he chooses one of you? But by forcing the issue, maybe you are just priming the partner up to choose neither of you? So again, the odds seem stacked against you.

I dunno. Is there any way you could carry on seeing this partner, let things run their course with them, and claim ignorance if the **** ever hits the fan? I’ve often found in other situations that it is better appear a little more ignorant than we actually are.

I guess if none of those is an option, you’re choosing between your friend and your partner.

Or, I did see a documentary last year about polyamourous people – they do exist, apparently 🙂.

11 comments

  1. I don’t know about this one. I was in this scenario twice. Both times I was told by my friend. Both times it didn’t work out for neither of us. When I met my soul mate it was only him and I would expect for him to be sure of me too. I think a relationship needs to evolve between two people and adding another into the mix would be a no no for me. I would fight hard or pull away from the situation, either way I would like to know where I stand from the very beginning. So yes, I would tell and pose an ultimatum.

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    • I agree almost-absolutely if we’re talking about a relationship, but I did not assume in this case that there was one. Not yet, at any rate. I think if I was in a relationship and I found out that a partner was cheating on me, then that would be easy – I’d finish it. Whether they were cheating on me with a friend or not wouldn’t make a difference. Because one person should be enough, right? If they want to spend time with somebody else, then they don’t want to spend time with me. Easy. Where we differ is that I would not issue an ultimatum – because I think they already made their decision.

      But I wouldn’t apply that to somebody I was seeing casually.

      You know at the start of something, when you’ve been out with someone a few times but are not yet ready to introduce them as a boyfriend/girlfriend? I’m thinking particularly of that time.

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      • I know what you mean but for me, I know if I’m going to see them further or not. I’m not a casual dater for that matter. It’s the real thing from the start or I pass. I don’t doubt the matters of the heart. I can understand how others may take more time and that would be fine too (for them). So maybe in that period I wouldn’t call the person my boyfriend, in my mind he is and will be. 🙂

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  3. So interesting!
    I have a personal account with this question.
    Forgive me but I am so tired and should sleep before I brave pur patients during another 12 hour shift tomorrow! I will let you know what happened later in the week.

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